You Deserve Better

Do you know that? Even before you open your mouth to voice a different opinion or tell her you won’t be able to make it to whatever she planned, you know she will be disappointed or angry to a point where she will let you feel and see just how much you hurt her. She will make you feel guilty for it.

Does that sound familiar? You tell her that something she did hurt you but in the end the discussion walks along the lines of how it’s your own fault (e.g. because you KNOW she would never do or say something to hurt you so if you got hurt or offended by something she did, it’s obviously your fault for overreacting) and how you’re treating her unfairly and how your behaviour hurts her.

If you point out her misbehaviour, she will brush it off and change the discussion to something you did wrong instead.

You can’t remember whether you’ve ever got an apology from her when something she did or said hurt you.

You can predict the outcome of a discussion with her fairly reliably by now: It’s your fault, she didn’t do anything wrong, you hurt her feelings, and now she’s rightfully angry/disappointed/hurt/[insert fitting emotion here] because of you.

Walking away from a discussion with her, you feel like you just received a beating, you’re trembling, you’re close to tears (for whatever reason–anger and frustration count)…

It doesn’t necessarily happen often. Ususally only when you disagree with her or get hurt by something she says or does, or don’t do something she wants you to do (like meet up at a specific time). Not all of it has to happen every time. In between these instances, she can behave like a good friend (oh, and she tells you that she likes you as a friend every now and then–usually during those discussions).

Don’t be fooled! This person is NOT a friend; a friend would care about having hurt you. They would apologize for hurting you even if you still disagree on the cause. They would not tell you it’s your own fault that you got hurt or offended, and then proceed to tell you how your overreaction hurts their feelings now. A good friend would care about YOU just like they expect you to care about them–it’s a mutual thing in a friendship.

If you experience this at the hands of someone you call “friend”, take a closer look at this “friendship”. And walk away if what you see is not a friendship based on trust and mutual care for the other’s feelings. I know it’s hard, especially if it happens within an existing group of friends, but you deserve better. YOU DESERVE BETTER! What I described above could probably be labelled “emotional abuse”. At the very least, it’s toxic behaviour that has no place in a real friendship, especially not on a regular basis.

Watch out for yourselves. You deserve better.

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