Hi, it’s me. I guess this is yet another attempt at blogging, which I haven’t actually been successful with before. No updates on my websites or blogs for over a year (other than updating my contact page, I think). Well, I won’t promise that this time will be different. This blog may be forgotten after a few weeks and join my others in the endless voids of the internet. Or it may finally be a blog I stick to.
This is me. Just me. Anything and everything I’m interested in, not necessarily always written in English, no specific topic. I suck at blogging. I haven’t managed to build a readership before, although I was trying to follow blogging advice. No such thing this time. Even if I end up the only person ever reading this blog, I will not limit myself this time.
It’s been a while since I wrote anything fiction (and pretty much anything at all, if you don’t count my paper for university or the one magazine article that I wrote in October and that has been published a week or so ago). I didn’t feel whole without writing, but I was afraid. I’m still afraid. Scared, to be honest. Scared that I may disappoint my readers, scared that I won’t be able to meet their expectations continuing with two series that are close to my heart (Miro and A Rogue’s Tale), scared of the editing and proofreading process involved. And here’s why.
I’ve always tried to be perfect. I didn’t want to make mistakes, and I’ve been pretty harsh with myself in this regard. Oh, other people were allowed to make mistakes, mistakes are normal, after all. Yeah, I see the screwed-up logic there. Anyway, my freelancing career as editor and translator ended with a pretty nasty bang last year. I was burnt out, had to disappoint my clients, had a terrible argument with one of them, and have sworn to myself that I will never do editing or translating in a professional manner anymore.
Oh, I still teach business translations. I proofread my sister’s bachelor’s thesis. But I refuse to do it in a way where other people expect things from me, expect me to deliver finished products and services with a deadline, and expect them to be perfect.
Now if I continue writing my series, I will have to edit them, to proofread them (even if I have outside help, it will still be me in the end), and I want the books to be perfect. I feel like my readers deserve a flawless product, especially writing for children. I don’t want them to read a mistake in a book that they may end up repeating.
Something that I enjoyed doing, that I earned my money with, has become a task I dread. It’s stressing me out just to think about it. There. I am not perfect. And that’s scary as hell if you’ve lived your life expecting yourself to be. My resolution for 2016, thus? Try to be less perfect and don’t be angry with or disappointed in myself.